We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.
[about call-waiting] It's turned into a mini people's choice awards. Hasn't it? And you find out right away who wins or loses.: You're having a pleasant conversation with what you think is a good friend. You hear the click. They tell you to hold on. You're confident they're going to come back to you. And then they come back and they say, "I've got to take this other call." And you know what that means what they just said to the other person? "Let me get rid of this other call."
Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.
What's with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That's it, just crazy people.
[about talking vs. communication] Even when we say, "How are you?" we don"t mean, "How are you?" - we don't care. Just give us a "fine" or a "good" - a one syllyble answer and move along. And don"t even say "pretty good". That's a follow-up question: "pretty good" "something happen?... I don"t... have... time to..."
We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke."
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
"Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot."
"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "
"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."
I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that
You gotta watch her stand up shows especially Here and Now. Ellen Degeneres Here and Now Videos on YouTube
Eliza
